From the Glorious Pen of Josef Stanlin Lampesky, Minister of Information:

To all Comrades, Greetings:

Happy Belated May Day to all of our comrades! As I pen this letter, I contemplate all the great victories that our Chamber has witnessed the last few months. Our Covingrad elections were a great success with 100% voter turnout. Through our efforts we have given our three current members of the Covingrad Supreme Soviet Commission the top votes to return in November. What a magnanimous victory!

MINISTER OF EDUCATION REWARDED WITH NEW VEHICLE

Our Communist-wealth of Kentucky Minister of Education has been rewarded for his many years of service dating back to November of 2007. Minister Ivan Draudkov was given a new 2008 Chrysler 300 Stretched Limousine with satellite phone, bullet-proof glass, passenger ejector seat, nitrous system, GPS system linked to his own personal satellite, high-tech weapons system, anti-pursuit technology, stealth cloaking device, onboard computer, spinner hub cabs, purple underglow, 42” plasma television with satellite connection, Xbox Gaming System, and a AM Sparkomatic radio with 8-track adapter. Asked about the radio, Minister Draudkov responded, “While I deserve more, I didn’t want it to seem that I was taking advantage of the Kentucky worker.” Minister Draudkov requested Morgan Freeman to be his driver, but the actor refused and was unavailable for comment.

REVENUE ON RISE IN COVINGRAD

Covingrad leaders have announced that they have officially seized 9.1% more funds from businesses this year, the highest seizure since 2000. Though a glorious victory for Communism, we are still well short of our anticipated goal of 100%. Officials plan to analyze what drove this success and repeat it tenfold next year to reach the stated goal. While this would only be 91%, we understand that the Covingrad officials are not very good at economics or math or business, which makes them our ideal leaders for the city.

CHAMBER OF COMMUNISTS ABANDON BRIDGE SOLUTION

With many of our Communist-wealth bridges in disrepair, the Chamber has decided to find a different solution to this problem. While one of our original proposals was for enacting tolls on the bridges, we have since abandoned this plan as one of our Covingrad Commissioners thought we said trolls and he was afraid he would be eaten like one of the Billy Goats Gruff. The Chamber explained to him that tolls meant we would only put tollhouses on the bridge to collect money. However, at the mention of tollhouse, the aforementioned Commissioner was afraid we would dress him as an elf and have him bake cookies. It is because of these circumstances and irrational behavior that the Chamber has decided to endorse and support troll bridges. While this will not really solve the problem, we would enjoy watching the Commissioner get eaten by a troll.

SENATE CANDIDATE CLAIMS VICTORY

Kentucky Soviet Senate candidate Katarina Groobachev has claimed victory over the proposed redecoration of the Soviet Senate offices. When interviewed, Comrade Groobachev demonstrated her outrage with the arrogance of these pompous State servants presuming to beautify and embellish their offices through the sweat and toil of the poor citizens of Kentucky. “This is an insult and an affront to the people of the Soviet state,” Groobachev stated, “How conceited is Senator Yakov Westputin to presume to know exactly how I want my office decorated when I take occupation of it in January! If left to his own devices the office would be adorned with various historical moustache combs.”

 
When asked for comment, Senator Yakov Westputin was quick to respond, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

When informed that Jedi Mind Tricks do not work on the media, Westputin responded, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm going Gwoob hunting."
 

Other victories recently claimed by Comrade Katarina Groobachev include Soviet Governor Beshearev’s election, the development of the Vision 2015 Manifesto, Coke beating Pepsi in the Cola Wars, breaking the “Curse of the Bambino”, the repelling of the Mongol Hoards, David over Goliath, the destruction of the first Death Star, the D-Day landing at Normandy Beach, and the defeat of Satan in the Book of Revelations.

However, in light of all these accomplishments she will always be revered for her historical comment when her husband bought the old Crestview Hills Mall and he asked her what he should do with it. Boldly she stated, “Mr. Groobachev, tear down this Mall!”

 
Until next time, always remember, when I am gone, the capitalists will drown you all like blind kittens.

For the collective good,
J. Stanlin Lampesky, NKYCCP
Minister of Information